it started out as a normal day, like shit.
i was woken up by the loud screch of my shitty alarm clock, the toilet was broken, and the bath tub was spraying piss instead of water AGAIN.
i heard the phone ring while i was pissing in the broken toilet, whicth i knew that when i flushed it would just fall in the kitchen sink from the bathroom floor, and since i had a left over turkey in there i decided to just zip up my fly and awnser it.
it was my girlfreind on the phone, so i talked to her.
her: um....hi there.
me: oh hi tasha, how it going
her: um...good....i need to tell you something...
me: ok shoot.
her: um....i...think...i thinkneed to see other people...
me: wait, what?
her: im sorry, i just don't want to be together anymore.
her: i just think we need to see other people is all, you know, take a break from each other.
me: BULL. SHIT.
her: oh so now you're calling me liar?
me: HELL FUCKING YES!
her: well im telling the truth.
me: yeah, and michael bay is a talented and brillant director.
her: I AM TELLING THE TRUTH, AND FOR THE RECORD I LIKE MICHAEL BAY!
and then she hung up.
i needed to know the truth, so i called the one person i thought i could trust, my best freind mike.
me: mike are you there?
mike: sup brah?
me: mike, i just had a shitty break up with my girl freind.
mike: which one, the one who turned out to be megatron or the one whos cheating on you with me?
me: the latter.
mike: OH SHI- it was supposd to be a suprise...
me: A SUPRISE!? A SUPRISE!? A SUPRISE!? ODIN AND ZUES HELP ME! A SUPRISE!?
mike: well....not a good one....
me: FUCK YOU MIKE, AND FUCK THAT WHORE OF A GIRLFREIND OF MINE!
mike: WELL WE'RE GETTING MARRIED IN RUSSIA JUST JUST TO SPITE YOU!
i hung up the phone as hard i could, breaking it with my rage, i thought he was lieing to piss me off more, but no, one week later they sent me an invitation and plane tickets.
my rage had skyrocketed, they we're getting married just to piss me off, and even wave it around over my head with an invite.
i curled up in a ball on the couch in sadness, just feeling sorry for myself, all of the sudden for getting mad about her cheating on me I was the bad guy, and they won, and i was pissed.
looking for any hope i could give to myself i looked up at the picture of jesus on my wall, and i said to myself "oh jesus, what would he do?" i then lefted my head up as high as i could and said, " oh jesus, what WOULD you do right now?"
i pointed my head down words, a smile began to form on my face, i just ha a great idea"THATS IT!" i yelled with great joy, for it was then i knew what would do, he wouldn't get mad, HE'D GET EVEN!
i knew what was about to do my mom and dad wouldn't approve of this, so i looked all around the streets until i found a smelly hobo who would escort me to russia for a bottle of voldka.
after flying to russia i went and bought a plane 2 tickets to a near-by sea-side village, perfect for a honeymoon.
i went over to there wedding, it was a dull genaric marrige in a dull genaric church. regular vows, almost no one since everyone in thier familys were saying this was a bad idea.
while they were walking down the aisle they walked up to me
mike: well look whos here
tasha: we were sure you'd be to mad to show up
me: well im over now.
mike: good to know buddy.
me: and just to show there's no hard feelings, heres some plane tickets for your honeymoon to a wonderful sea-side cillage just off the coast of norway.
mike: well that sounds lovely.
the idiots took the bate and everything was going according to plan.
i went back to the air port with another greesey smelly hobo and bought tickets to norway for part two of my plan.
i went down to the docks near the norway air-port and looked for good ship and crew for the most important part.
i found an old sea captain near an old viking ship, with a viking dressed crew and everything.
i talked to the sea captain.
me: nice ship got there.
him: this old peaice of shit? ay, it wouldn't even had been decent in the 1800s, much less 2007, and this crew? a bunch of stupid slack jawed idiots, they think they're vikings for gods sake! they've got axes, armor, and statues of odin for the sake of zues!
me: maybe i could take off your hands for a penny?
him: fine! i don't care how ya are! im sick of the sea life!
and now i had used all the money i had, but it didn't matter, i had a crew and a ship, and i would be getting some money on the side.
we sealed for days until we got there, the great land of norway, after all the work i did, it was time to strike.
we traveled thru the thick fog near our target, perfect for our getaway we the time came, and the final part of plan came to be.
i shouted out to my crew
me: ALRIGHT MEN! THIS IS IT! WE'RE ABOUT TO ENTER THE VILLAGE WHERE THE ONES WHO BETRAYED ME ARE! TO ARMS MEN! may odin protect us as we destroy the cowards.
we finaly came close enogth to the village to see the greating man, usaely greeting tourests to the old stlye village, but today, he'd greet the last people he'll ever greet outside of the underworld
i took aim at the coward with my bow as he began to speak.
"why hello there marry visitors! i am todd, welcome to-GRAHG"
before he could finish the arrow i had fired had hit his skull, his body was burned by the flames on the arrow, his screams echoed thru out the town, they could of ran, they could of hid, they could have known the fury a viking crew can bring, but they didn't, much to my plessure.
i shouted "THE TIME HAS COME! ATTTTTACCCKKK!!!!!!"
i yelled "LET NO ONE ESCAPE ALIVE!"
as i shouted a flury of flameing arrows rained down upon the village, many people ran out screaming, others burned to death,
the large fires were merely to guide us thru the town on our much worse attack, my men stormed thru the village, killing anyone and everyone who wasnt a viking, as was i.
many of the burning houses were ran saked, anything of value was taken, and anything that wasnt was left to burn.
we also kidnapped a few people, those people would into slavery. those who resisted were killed.
i myself was killing many cowards aswell, i kept them from so much as touching my with the use of my polarm, i remaned untouched by the cowards and their gurads.
as i traveled thru the burning village i found one of tratiors i was looking for, mike himself, i walked up to him as he triped on a tree root.
me: well look who it is.
mike: oh thank god! please! help me get out of here! theres these crazy assholes every where! they kidnapped tasha! we gotta get out of here bud!
me: so my men have the whore do they? this is fantastic news.
mike: wait, your men? oh my god! YOU DID ALL THIS! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!
he tryed to get up but before he could i stabed him in the back, as he did me when he slpet with my girlfreind.
he turned over, holding on to life as hard as he could, i shouted "DIE YOU SON OF A BITCH!' as i stabed him over and over again.
i saw as his pupils went closer and closer to his forehead. until his pupils completely disapeered from his forehead.
i pulled my spear from his dead body, i had taken down my first target, and, if he was right, the second target was just in sight.
thats when i saw my men near me, they appered to be holding a women.
it wa indeed, my ex.
viking crew men: sir! we've captured the women!
me: why hello there tasha
her: listen man i know you're upset BUT THIS IS THE FUCKING EPICDOME OF INSANE!
me: quite you winch!
me: men! time to cut of the unfaihtful winchs head off!
they forced her to kneel down, once she was on her knees i droped the spear and was haned my axe by one of my men, i held it up in air and shouted "DIE YOU SLUT!" as i swiftly cut her head off.
it was over, she was dead, and so was mike, all my hard work had finaly payed off, the tratior was dead, and so was the bitch, i heard one of my men say "you wanna go hit up the monestary?" i said no, it had been a long day and all i wanted to do now was cash in the goods we stole and go home, the battle was over, we won.
we all quickly returned to the ship, and, just as quickly as we came to that god forsaken village, we had left.
we went to norway, cashed in the goods, and i had drop me off back in russia.
i took a plane back to america, and then a bus home, it was late, i told my mom and dad i went back packing in eroupe for school. (i go to summer school.)
i went upstairs and went to sleep, the next day i woke up late because my horid sound alarm clock finaly broke(thank god), my toilet was fixed, and the bath tub wasn't pooring piss anymore.
i heard a ring on my cell phone, it was from a girl i knew, she wanted to go out with me after she learned of my break up, my ex cheating on me with my best freind, and them getting married just to spite me.
the moral of the story: hobos make everything better.