The movie opens out in space, where we get a flyby of the Earth, and we see an enormous flaming meteor heading towards it. This is to warn us that the special effects team blew all their money making foam meteors. The title appears on screen and explodes.
We're now at the edge of a forest in what subtitles tell us is 10,001 BC. A caveman is running from something that's roaring at him from the woods. He trips and falls in a giant dung heap, and immediately gets trampled by a mammoth. He gets up, dripping crap, and says "shit!" He gets up and starts running again from the same roar. He takes off through the woods, only to get knocked down by an American Gladiator with a jousting baton. "You just got Wolfed!", the gladiator (named Wolf) yells, starting a conversation between the two about how to register catchphrases on the internet. It turns out he tried to register "Bam!", but Emeril beat him to it. This must be what that kid meant by random. They get in to a surprisingly long jousting fight, which the caveman wins by nut shot. This is a Friedberg and Seltzer movie, how else would he win? Once again, he takes off running. This time he in to a saber-toothed Amy Winehouse, who explains that she's just escaped rehab. She talks for a bit about how much she loves to drink gasoline, then becomes a prophet and tells the caveman that humans will go extinct like the dinosaurs in a few thousand years. The caveman wants more information, so Amy Winehouse pulls out an iMac and logs on to Facebook. "Everyone's on Facebook!" says the caveman, who rolls his eyes. Her Facebook page tells her that the event is scheduled for August 29, 2008. Why, that's the day this movie opens! How clever! Winehouse pulls out a bottle of tequila and chugs it, then lets out an enormous belch. And another. And then another one. I counted up to six before I stopped counting, but my guess is she does this around 12 times. Then she reveals that the prophecy has something vague to do with a crystal skull (which is orange), probably because when they were filming this, no one had any idea what Indiana Jones was about except for the orange-looking skull on the poster.
It turns out the entire opening sequence was a dream. Our protagonist, Will, sits up in bed and rues taking so much Ambien the night before. There is an enormous white bottle next to him simply labeled AMBIEN. Nothing like telling a joke twice to make sure the audience gets it. He looks at the calendar on the wall, which has a big skull on today's date, which is *GASP* August 29. He looks over to his girlfriend to tell her about his dream, when all of the sudden Flava-Flav jumps out from under the covers while wearing a Viking helmet and an enormous clock on a chain around his neck. Turns out his girlfriend, Amy, has been sleeping around because Will won't commit. Flava darts off yelling his own name. Amy gets up to leave, and she tells Will that not only is she leaving him, but she's taking their midget too. A naked midget crawls out from the covers and walks off with her. This gives the movie a T2M (time-to-midget) of less than five minutes, a personal best for the directors. Even though he's turning 25, Will invites Amy to his Super Sweet 16 later that day.
Cue the opening of MTV's Super Sweet 16, complete with super bright colors, loud music, and (of course) Will dancing. This cuts to his actual party, which looks identical to the opening party from Cloverfield. There Will meets an ugly woman who rips off her shirt to reveal full body hair. She jiggles her hairy censored breasts around while the screen informs us that this is Hairy Girls Gone Wild. This sets up an incredibly stupid and overdone running gag of women that look like men and vice versa. Dr. Phil shows up and starts groping random women and doing shots of tequila. It's an especially bad Dr. Phil impersonation, even more so considering that Dr. Phil was willing to play himself in Scary Movie 4. Meanwhile, Will's friend Calvin is shown shaving a passed out guest's eyebrows with the help of, I can't believe I'm actually writing this, Anton Chigurh. Chigurh flips a coin and shoots the sleeping guest in the forehead with his trademark bolt gun. This terrifies Calvin for about 10 seconds, and then neither Chigurh nor the dead party guest are ever mentioned again. We're 15 minutes in to the movie, and so far absolutely nothing has happened. Not one thing. It's going to be another five minutes before anything starts to happen plotwise, so buckle down and get ready for more random and pointless celebrity impersonations. Speaking of pointless celebrities, Kim Kardashian makes her entrance as Calvin's girlfriend Lisa. She mentions that two high school students are trying to steal booze, and sure enough, it's the McLovin and Seth characters from Superbad. "I am McLover!" says McLover. He says it a few more times before the Seth character tells him to stop saying it. But it turns out he can't, because he just loves saying "I am McLover!" This brings me to a suspicion I got during this movie - it's obvious that neither director had seen Indy or Hancock before filming because they weren't out yet, but several of these movie being parodied had been out on DVD for several months by this point. They still get huge details wrong. I don't think the director's have seen any of these movies, because I sure as hell don't remember the part in Superbad where McLovin said his nickname over and over and over again.
Back on track, a gigantic slab of beef suddenly appears hanging in the middle of the living room. Cue Carmen Electra showing up as the Angelina Jolie character from Wanted. She gives Calvin a gun and tells him that he can bend bullets to hit the kids behind the meat. This somehow turns in to a fantasy sequence of Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian wrestling as WWE Divas. It's a few minutes of two attractive women squirming around on top of each other and features plenty of cleavage shoved at the camera. This is the only enjoyable moment in the movie. Then the girls play twister. Turns out it's just Calvin's fantasy, and he still has some teenagers to shoot. He curves his bullet, which misses and hits Dr. Phil. The next bullet hits Chigurh. The final bullet hits Carmen Electra, removing her permanently from the movie. This gives the movie's top billed star less than two minutes of screen time.
Over in another corner of the room, Juney (Juno) and someone that looks absolutely nothing like Michael Cera are singing about having an abortion. Juney is singing into a hamburger phone. They sing about selling the unborn child to Brangelina on eBay, making this their third movie in a row to use this exact joke. Calvin shoots not-Michael. Amy arrives at the party with her new boyfriend (since this morning?), a Calvin Klein model wearing only his underwear. If you're thinking that we've had enough setup and it's time for the actual movie to start, well tough shit because it's time for the movie's first big dance sequence. A basketball court appears in the middle of the living room and a High School Musical parody starts, complete with singing, dancing, and more pointless celebrities. The Jonas Brothers sing, Justin Timberlake sings, Jessica Simpson sings, and even Calvin gets to sing. Unfortunately, Calvin is black, meaning he has to sing about smoking weed with Snoop Dogg. Everyone does the Soulja Boy dance. A hobo pees in the punchbowl, and the CK model rips of his shit-stained underwear and throws them on Justin Timberlake's face. A priest wanders around ogling the kids. This goes on for a while, until finally the room starts shaking and the radio announces that it's the end of the world. Finally! This is over 20 minutes into the movie. Juney starts babbling in mock-Juno speak about Iggy Pop, Planet of the Apes, etc. This is cute the first time she does it, but it very quickly becomes grating, and she talks like this for the entire movie. She decides to get her baby drunk by pouring tequila into a jug of Sunny-D and chugging it. I never realized how funny fetal alcohol syndrome could be. Abuse of Juney's unborn baby is a running gag in the movie, as it constantly get punched, kicked, and battered, not to mention drowned in alcohol. I won't spoil the full details right now, but the baby does not survive the movie. Just keep that in mind for the rest of the review. Hilarious, eh? The radio announcer says that a ghetto has been wiped out, and that it doesn't bother him. A white crowd shrugs nonchalantly, and a group of stereotypical black thugs get angry. I hate to use the term "racist," but this movie is getting pretty close. Our crowd of Will, Juney, Calvin, and Lisa run outside to find mass panic in the streets. Meteors are crashing down everywhere, enormous flaming ones in the sky and tiny foam ones on the ground. A group of women in bikinis go running by. We hear a fart, and one of the women yells "I just shit myself!" This is the third poop of the movie in less than half an hour. The group finds Hannah Montana trapped under a meteor. She claims to be Hannah Montana, at least, but she looks to me like a woman in her mid-thirties. She sells CDs and merchandise in between dying gasps, and eventually reveals herself to be Miley Cyrus. This could have been funny, potentially, in a better movie and with a different script, but this is Disaster Movie. A little boy rushes to get Hancock, who swats him away and then flies in to a lamp post. Basically it's a recreation of the Hancock trailer, only not funny.
Our heroes (and I use this term lightly) look down the street to see an even bigger threat coming towards them. It's huge! It's enormous! It's terrifying! It's... it's... I don't know. It's a big gray blob of special effects. As far as I can tell it's either the tidal wave from The Day After Tomorrow, the volcanic ash from Dante's Peak, or the avalanche from Avalanche. The shot is almost identical to the flood scene from The Day After Tomorrow, there are ash-gray flakes in the air, and the characters complain that it's really cold out all of the sudden. Your guess is as good as mine. The heroes take cover in a nearby warehouse, where they come across the cast of Sex and the City. Carrie is played by a man in drag, which is the cleverest thing I have ever seen in a Friedberg/Seltzer comedy. Read that however you want. The Sex girls claim that this is their personal hideout, despite the fact that things only started going to hell about five minutes ago. Carrie punches Juney right in her pregnant belly, and Juney threatens to break her like Ivan Drago from Rocky 4, making this the oldest reference in the movie by over 10 years. The two of them fight, which at one point has Juney lactating milk out of her breasts like a fire hydrant. They do the foot thing from the Don't Mess with the Zohan trailer, and so does Juney's baby. Aside from the baby, there's no real joke here - it's the exact some scene and the exact same dialogue, only spoken by different characters. The Sex girls run off in a huff, at which point the characters start rubbing their arms and complaining about how cold it is all of the sudden. Juney mentions that global warming is an inconvenient truth. The joke makes no sense, but the pun is passable, and I'll take what I can get. Calvin suggests to strip naked and huddle, which they start to do, but are interrupted by Juney's water breaking. She claims that her water broke, anyway. The other characters get showered in what appears to be shaving cream. I'm no doctor, but as far as I know women aren't full of foam. Also, in real life, water breaking means that a baby is about to be born. Not only does this not happen during the movie, but it has no impact on anything and is totally forgotten by the next scene.
Will has a flashback to when he and Amy first started dating. He tells her that he's a jumper, and teleports to the kitchen to get a snack. Then he teleports to a dirty living room to drink some cool refreshing Sierra Mist. He must really love the Mist, because there are several bottles lying around and they all have labels facing the camera. He then teleports to a position looking up her skirt, were he lets out a bizarre giggle that sounds like Woody Woodpecker's retarded cousin. She says she loves him, and he quickly teleports away to Narnia. This is not the same Narnia from Epic Movie, which was at least a semi-competent set. Okay, so it was a lamppost among some trees, but here we don't even get the lamppost. This is an open field near some trees. A lone man stands here, dressed like he's on his way to a ren fair. He's holding a sword in the air and yelling to absolutely no one "I am Prince Caspian, here to save Narnia!" Will teleports above him and falls on his sword. Caspian says, once again to absolutely no one, that he's the guy the ruined Star Wars. I've never seen someone die in their own flashback before.
Back in the real world Will is talking about something or other, and reveals that his butt crack goes all the way up to his shoulder blades. He even shows us this. The crew leaves the building after it's rocked by an earthquake. This will happen every ten minutes or so for the rest of the movie. Half the disasters in the movie consist entirely of the cameraman shaking the camera around while the actors pretend to stumble and crew members throw foam rocks at them from off screen. Once again, this cost $25 million. The heroes run out of the building and stumble across a cop directing people around and insuring them that the disasters are over, despite the fact that there was a major earthquake maybe 30 seconds ago. A meteor hits nearby, sending arms, legs, and heads raining all over the cast. Will gets a call from Amy, who's staying at the museum she works at to look after the artifacts. The museum is in pretty pristine shape considering there are constant earthquakes and meteor strikes in the area. Will says he loves her, and she tries to say it back, but no sound comes through. The AT&T logo appears on screen, with the message "A DROPPED CALL CAN REALLY F**K UP YOUR DAY." Yes, in a movie where a pregnant woman chugs tequila and three people shit their pants, they censored the word "fuck" because it would be too offensive. Will decides to go to the museum to rescue Amy, and everyone joins him except Kim Kardashian, who gets crushed by a meteor (and not a moment too soon). I must have become really fed up with Juney's babbling at this point because at this point in my notes the words SHUT JUNO UP appear scrawled across the page. I think the lesson here is that if the entire point of a character is to point out how annoying another character is, then that character should not be on the screen yammering away for 45 solid minutes.
The cast is now taking a break on another street, and Calvin is moaning about his dead girlfriend. The princess from Enchanted emerges from a nearby sewer and gets hit by a taxi that she mistakes for a magical creature. Why a taxi is operating during the apocalypse, I have no idea. She goes flying, lands in Calvin's arms, and sings him a song. This leads to the only genuinely clever and funny moment in the entire movie, where she tells them that she's really just a sewer dwelling drug addict prostitute. Her pimp emerges from the sewer too, and he's dressed like a prince. Now you know the only funny joke in the movie and have no other reason to see it. You're welcome. Nicole Parker gives the performance her all, and unlike almost everyone else in the movie, actually looks like she's having fun. The only other actor that seems to halfway care is Gary "G-Thang" Johnson, and their scenes together are the relative few that manage to rise above teeth-gratingly awful. Anyway, enough praise, it's back to the shit. Calvin and the prince get in to a fight for the princess' hand. Not just any old fight, though. This is a Friedberg/Seltzer movie, meaning that this will be settled via (ALL TOGETHER NOW!) a break dancing competition. Calvin break dances, the prince does ballet, Juney spins around on her belly, and the princess stomps around like a gangsta. The dance-off is interrupted by a twister that comes slooooooooowly down the road towards them in a hilariously awful bit of CGI. It really doesn't look that much different form the gray blob that menaced them earlier, except this time the reaction shots of the actors has their hair blowing around. The cast wail in terror and cry for a hero to come rescue them. Cue Iron Man, who enters by stating "I am Iron Man!" and is immediately flattened by a cow. The cow rolls away to reveal an Iron Man colored tin can, which gets booted away by Hellboy. He makes some threats towards the twister, and is immediately flattened by a cow. Bruce Banner then walks up to the twister, tells it that it wouldn't like him when he's angry, and balloons in to the Hulk. He loses his pants, exposing his penis-free green crotch, a joke that was also in Meet the Spartans and didn't make any sense there either. The Hulk is immediately flattened by a cow.
Will gets a call from Amy, who is pinned to the floor by a toppled statue. It's the only item in the entire museum that's not standing perfectly upright. It's an Egyptian warrior statue that's spearing her in the shoulder. This brings up another running gag in this movie, violence to women. Most of the men escape with only the odd crotch hit or two, but every major female role is, at one point or another, soaked in her own blood. Women get punched in the face, shredded by broken glass, and gorily eaten at a pretty regular pace for the rest of the movie. Our crew wanders in to a nearby warehouse (this is a different downtown warehouse than the one they wandered in to ten minutes ago), and the hungry princess picks a broken bottle off the floor and starts eating it. The others look on in horror as blood gushes down the front of her, and she just smiles and keeps eating her bottle. This is the point where the movie totally lost me. Our heroes hear a ringing phone, and Calvin tells them it's his shoe phone. He takes off his shoe and holds it up to his ear, but it turns out there was dog poop on his shoe. He freaks out and tries to rub it off, but only ends up covering his entire face and neck in dog poo. He eventually gets it all off and goes back to his shoe phone. It's Lisa's mom. He tells her that she's dead, and then ends up making some inappropriate remarks to her about how big of a slut the princess is. The princess gets on the phone and confirms it. There's another freakin' earthquake, and this knocks the lights out. When they come back on, the princess is feeling up Juney and telling her how nice her lactating breasts are. This scene just keeps getting more and more tasteless, and we still have a long way to sink before it's over. Three hideously disturbing Chipmunks puppets appear on a nearby crate and sing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." They follow up with a song about boogying down, and finish with a death metal song, complete with head banging and growly voices. The chipmunks start frothing at the mouth from rabies, and they leap at the cast. One chomps on to Will's balls, another gets Calvin's neck, and a third chases Juney while yelling "redrum!" Eventually all three get flung airborne. They tackle Juney to a crate and eat her spine. Seriously, you can even see the bone. The pregnant woman and her baby are eaten back-to-front by rabid chipmunks, while the rest of the cast just sort of wander away. If you're looking for one good reason to avoid this movie, that was it. The remaining cast traps the chipmunks in a garbage can. The princess complains about having a headache and all of the sudden she finds herself in a Head-On commercial. The announcer yells at her and she ends up smearing it all over her face, which cures her headache and sends her back to the real world. Then she tells everyone about her yeast infection and pulls a loaf of sourdough bread out of her crotch. The scene finally ends, putting an end to the most horribly debasing and disgusting scene I've ever seen in a comedy.
Outside, the cast comes across more fleeing and panicking people. They come across Batman, who tells them in a growly voice that the last survivor's shuttle out of the city will be at 9:00, and they'd better be on it. You'd assume that this would be the plot from this point on, but you'd be wrong because the shuttle and 9:00 are never mentioned again. Batman learns that it's already 5:30, and he starts kicking himself for wasting his entire day browsing Amazon.com (wow, how current!), and then a car snags his grappling hook and drags him off down the street. The crew see Speed Racer's 5 ½ car parked nearby, so the princess pulls out a pistol and shoots Speed Racer in the face. They check the trunk and find not only Spritle and Chim-Chim, but also Michael Jackson. He points at the boy and shouts "Hoo-hoo!" Seriously, there's a Michael Jackson pedophile joke in a 2008 movie. This movie blows my mind. Our heroes climb into the 5 ½ and drive off to the museum. The movie attempts to emulate the driving scenes from the movie. They totally bungle it and it looks terrible, but I'll give them a point for trying. Way to go, guys!
They arrive at the museum, where the plot switches from Cloverfield into something so unbelievably stupid that you're going to think I made it up. I'll get to that in a minute, but first we need to slice up some more women. The princess complains that her glass slippers are hurting her feet. We pan down to see her glass slippers broken and her feet completely soaked in blood. Lovely. Even better, we've only just hit the one hour mark! We still have 15 more minutes of this to go, and what a doozy of a quarter of an hour it is! The crew finds Amy pinned under the statue, and they decide that they should knock her out so she won't feel the pain of having a spear pulled out of her. Calvin smashes a lamp over her head, and Will follows up with several punches to the face. The princess snaps a mousetrap on her nose, which gets Amy wailing and crying. Why a helpless injured woman crying while people punch her in the face is supposed to be funny, I don't have the slightest clue. They eventually decide to just pull the spear out. The now fine Amy reaches between her thighs (women's vaginas are handy storage devices in this movie) and pulls out the crystal skull. Remember that, from the dream sequence at the very start of the film, over an hour ago? Turns out that's the real plot. They need to return the skull to the altar it was removed from or the world will end. And where is this altar? Why, just down the hall! Yes, the entire movie turns out to be the story of four people carrying a crystal skull about a hundred yards from where it started. Will and Amy take the skull to the altar, while Calvin and the princess try to escape. They can't though, because all of the museum exhibits come to life. That's right; the climax is a spoof of a Ben Stiller comedy. A cowboy wanders through the scene chasing an Indian girl, and then a mummy chases her. A Tyrannosaurus roars in the distance. A nightmarish looking Kung-Fu Panda comes in to the room, boots the princess clear across it, and gets in to a bamboo stick fight with Calvin. Word alone cannot describe the horrors of the panda. He has a bizarre toothy mouth that flaps around, and his head always looks to be on the brink of popping off. At one point the actor in the suit actually has to twist the head back the right way after it gets twisted sideways a bit during a fall. This fight is absolutely endless, and it ends with a victorious Calvin learning that the princess is actually a transvestite. The seemingly dead panda jumps up and kills the two of them with a sword, thus killing the only two likable characters in the entire movie.
Meanwhile (gosh damn, this just keeps going on and on), Will and Amy are almost at the crystal skull altar, but they get jumped by a naked Beowulf. "I am Beowulf!" he shouts over and over again just like every other fucking character they've met. Will and Beowulf get into an argument about whether or not fighting naked is gay, which lets our wonderful directors use up any gay jokes they had left over from Meet the Spartans. They duke it out for a bit before Amy stabs Beowulf with a museum artifact. The two of them finally make it to the crystal skull chamber, where sure enough, they meet Indiana Jones. Not just any Indiana Jones, though. No, this is black midget Indy, played of course by Tony Cox. This is the third Friedberg/Seltzer movie he's been in, giving him the dubious honor of tying with Carmen Electra for appearing in the most movies in this godforsaken series. "Indiana Jones?" Amy asks in wonder. "Do I look like Indiana Jones to you?" he replies. The only way I can think of that this makes sense is that Amy simply assumes that any man wearing a fedora is Indy. Either that or she genuinely can't tell the difference between a normal sized white guy in his mid 60's and a black midget in his early 50's. One of the outtakes in the credits (of course there are outtakes) has him saying "Do I look like Harrison Ford?", which is the exact same joke he made in Date Movie, except with Will Smith instead of Harrison Ford. Fuck, why do I know so damn much about this series? Anyway, Indy tells Will that he's his father and that his mother was quite the slut. Indy then takes the skull and attempts to swing across the floor (there's no pit or anything) to the altar. It's not much of an altar; it's more of a pillow on a shelf. On his first attempt to get his whip to attach, he throws out his hip. On his second attempt he gets caught in the ceiling fan and gets flung out the window. A gust of wind brings his hat and the skull back in. Will tries the same swing, but his attempt at whipping hits Amy and cuts her face open. He swings and makes it just as the camera-shaking earthquakes start shaking harder than ever before. He puts the skull on the altar, the shaking stops, and he and Amy kiss. Holy shit, we're almost done!
Cut to Will and Amy's wedding, where the minister is the Guru Shitka. Really. Not only have the directors obviously never seen The Love Guru, which wasn't even out when they were filming this, but according to the box office numbers, nobody else has seen it either. What a terrible yet fitting way to end the movie. He does the GURU(tm) wink thing from the Love Guru commercials, chants a mantra of "Alyssa Milano", and instead of having the couple kiss they do the cut the pickle/tickle tickle thing, also from the commercials. Of course, since this is a Friedberg/Seltzer movie, and this is their last chance to do something degrading, he whips out his dick and tells them to tickle his pickle. Just as Will and Amy are about to walk off together, Will pulls out a guitar and starts to play her a song. "I'm dating Matt Damon!" he sings. Oh no. Oh, fuck no. No, no, no, no, no! "I'm dating Hannah Montana!" she sings in reply. No, this can't be happening! Hannah Montana sings about dating Flava-Flav, who sings about dating Juney, who sings about dating Hellboy, who's dating Hulk, who's dating Iron Man, who's dating the princess, who's dating Beowulf, who's dating Carrie, who's dating Batman, who's dating Amy Winehouse, who's dating Jessica Simpson, who's dating the WWE Diva, who's dating Anton Chigurh, who's dating Justin Timberlake, who's dating the Calvin Klein model, who's dating Prince Caspian, who's dating the cast of High School Musical, who's dating... I gave up writing the names down at this point, once I realized it wasn't going to be ending any time soon. I was right, it doesn't. Every single cast member is dating someone else. Finally, we get to Michael Jackson, who's dating the Chipmunks, who get flattened by a falling cow.
