hello, welcome to Homor's corner of Bad Fanfics.

every once in a while an Author gets a noble idea, and than decides to fuck it up by doing something really really stupid.

like for example, the following story, in the words of the Author, is meant to "get a message across to my readers that RAPE IS NOT GOOD."

a Noble message indeed, the problem?

he decided to use characters from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie to get the point across.

...yeeeeeeeeeah.

let's get this crap over with.

ALVAN AN THE CHIPMUNKS 3: THE SECOND SQUEAKUEL
CHAPTER I: SWOOPING IN LIKE A HAWK

get it? because the bad guy's name is Ian Hawk.

it's funny because his last name is the name of an Animal, a flying Animal that swoops and...yeah, you get it. hahaha it's soo funny, it's really not.

we open to out Antagonist and future Rapist, Ian Hawk.

Ian Hawk was PISSED as he walked through the trailer home he was livin in cuz he lost all his money. Hed lost not only his first group of chipmunks but also the chipettes he got! "Hmmmm" though Ian "I heard the chipmunks an chippetes are homies now, an they're all living in the same place!"

so this just NOW occurred to him? he just found it out RIGHT NOW? he JUST NOW found out they're all living together and is JUST RIGHT NOW devising a plan to hurt them?

oh no, that's totally believable.

Then he got a Tequila an turned on the TV where Dr. Sznell was advertising his new invention.

"Hey everybody!" he yelled "Do you wanna turn into an chipmunk an be successful like the Chipmunk/Chipettes?? Then use my machine for just a small fee of $19.99!

wow, so he's only charging people twenty dollars to completely rewrite their DNA? shouldn't he be, you know, selling this amazing and ground breaking technology to Governments and Major Corporations for millions of dollars instead of running an Independent company where all he does is turn people into annoying cartoon characters for almost nothing?

Ian got a plan. He was going to turn himself into a chipmukn an join the group an maybe fuck some Chippetes an then kill them!! Ian was very pleased with his plan.

good lord, the prose is so...

Child-like.

it's so lacking in description, everything moves along so fast, it's almost expository.

He went over to Dr. Sznell's lab and said "Hey doc I saw your ad on the TV turn me into a chipmunk!" The docter said "no you dont have any money" so Ian got pissed. He looked around an noticed that Dr. Sznell's son was standing with him. A perfect negotiation object!

said "YOU BETTER TURN ME INTO A CHIPUNK YOU MOTHERFUCKER OR ILL FUCKING KILL YOUR SON!!!" The boy got scared an started cryin.

so he doesn't even grab the kid or anything? he just points at him and threatens to kill him?

if you tried to pull something like that in real life, you'd either get your ass beat down or laughed at, there is no way this empty and stupid threat could wor--

"Okay OKAY MISTER HAWK!!!" said Sznell! "I'll turn you into a chipmunk free of charge!" Ian shook the docters hand. "Okay, excellent." he was grinning.

*groan*

He then patted the kid on the head to warm himself up to the kid, though this didnt really make up for the fact that Ian threatened to kill him.

well yeah, NO SHIT.

So Ian walked into the special Munkifier room an got naked an stepped it. He'd seen that movie The Fly an was kinda worried that something would go wrong an hed turn into an abomination.

even if he WERE turned into a fly mutant, it couldn't be any worse than mutating into an ugly and annoying Chipmunk creature.

But the machine hummed to life an there was flashin lights in the room an smoke came outta the Munkifier. Ian came out an looked at the mirror an it worked: he was turned into a chipmunk!!!!!

But there were some strange ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (AN: Isn't that a good song) goin on with Ian.

Tip for Writers:
explaining jokes doesn't make them funny, sometimes you just have to live with the joke going over some people's heads, otherwise the joke becomes unfunny and annoying for EVERYONE.

For one he was shorter. He was naked an covered in hair (well even more hair cuz Ian's one hairy dude). He squeaked when he talked.

yeah,
HE'S A FUCKING CHIPMUNK, OF COURSE THOSE THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN!

An his penis was a lot smaller! LEss that an inch long in fact.
haha yes because Dicks are funny tee hee.

He was sad at first at this revelatation because he lost his title of "Big Poppa" he had around the red light district (remember how many hoes Kernal Qwaritch fucked? Well Ian fucked alot more

this is a reference to another Fan Fiction the Author wrote for James Cameron's Avatar.

and yes, it's much worse than this.

(trust me homies David Cross drives the ladies crazy...just ask my sister an mama! We saw the Chipmunks movies an my daddy an brother were beggin to be allowed to leave but mama an my sister stayed to watch David!! An I was watchin to come up with stories!)

David Cross? you mean the really terrible nerdy guy who played the faggy plane guy from San Andreas?

But then Ian remembered that he was gonna get BAD revenge on those naaaaasty Chipmunks an this made him feel better.

who needs a dick when you can be mean to a bunch of annoying cartoon Animals?

seriously, this shit is so Banal.

Chipmunk Ian hitched a ride to the Chipmunks house........... he was in Compton while the Chipmunks were around Mulholland Drive (the best movie ever BTW) so he had plenty of time to plan his revenge....

and mercifully, that's the end of the first Chapter.

stay tuned to read more horrible crap.

[The Fic in Question.]