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homor
Self-published independent author, writer and avid enjoyer of stupid, popcorn entertainment. Always happy to help!
"We all have a thousand bad drawings in us, the sooner you get them out the better." - Chuck Jones.

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Homor's Corner of bad Fanfics #2: Gofer-chan strikes back.

Posted by homor - May 27th, 2009


crossover fan fiction can be a good thing.

it gives a chance for characters who would normally be bound by copyright law not to appear together to meet and interact with one and other.

it can be good, when done right.

but when done wrong, YOU GET A GOKU/ANNE FRANK LOVE STORY.

this thing is stupid, tasteless, and poorly written. in fact, its so stupid, tasteless, and poorly written the one blog post can contain it. so i now bring you:

Part 2 of "Goku and Anne Frank in: Until The End of Time."

the first thing you'll notice about Gofer-Chan's site is the really bad font, with fanfiction.net you get a plain white background and black text. but Gofer-Chan's site has colored text and a messy, ugly background covered in different colors, making said fanfic hard to read.

but with stellar story telling like:

"before Annie could run out of the closed door"

maybe thats for the best.

"One month. Well, it didn't feel like a month."
really? it feels like a month when reading this crap.

"To Anne Frank, a Jew in hiding from the Nazis,"
well gee, i sure am glad you reminded me who Anne Frank is, its not like it was already established who she is previously in the story.

you know that first chapter of a book that introduces all the title characters? they're annoying but exist for a reason, to established who all the characters in the story's continuity are,how they're related, and what purpose they serve in the story.

the reason for that first chapter is to get all this shit out of the way, we don't need to go over every established in the first chapter every time we get to a new one.

what if every single chapter of Lord of the Rings started with "Frodo, a Hobbit whom is on a quest to take the one ring and destroy it in Mt.Doom."

"it seemed like a year. One month since the fateful encounter with the mysterious man from another world, who she only knew as 'Goku'. The handsome stranger had stepped through time and into her life, then disappeared without a trace. "
umm...you'll notice how Gofer-Chan seems to wish to pair up Goku and Anne Frank. ...a real 15 yearr old Holocaust victim and a fictional alien superman with an adult child.

thats, umm...thats really, ...umm,

FUCK IT. MOVE ON. OH GOD.

"It was another boring day in the Secret Annex. Anne sat on the bed of her room, writing in her diary."
well i guess Goku will be showing sometime soon and-

"It never occurred to her, however, that this entry would be her last. "
umm...

oh shit. this story just got really awkward.

"As she wrote in the quiet attic, there was a loud noise from downstairs. Her heart jumped with both fear and excitement. Was it them? The Nazis? Or, could it be... him?"
okay, heres the part of the story where Goku comes back and-

"Her door flew open, and a tall soldier was visible in the doorway, glaring at her. The cries of her family members and friends were tuned out as Anne only thought of one thing."

...

"She stood up and followed the soldier out of her room, down the stairs, and into the back of a truck. "So this is it." "

---

"She said quietly to herself. "I'll never see him, my one true love, ever again. And all those years of hiding... they were for naught." "

...

"Then, Anne realized that she left her precious diary up in her room. She broke loose from the officer, and made a dash back into the shop, when he removed a gun from his holster and fired a shot in her direction. Anne fell to the floor."

...

oh wow.

"Anne lay on the floor, feeling searing pain run through her leg, where the bullet had met its mark. The Gestapo officer menacingly moved towards her, grinning,"
i guess Gofer-Chan just dropped the entire Goku thing, i guess this story will just focus on the real life trails of Anne and how she-

"when all of a sudden there was a blinding flash of light, causing the officer to shield his eyes."
AW FUCK, HE'S BACK.

"A huge cloud of smoke appeared next to Anne, blocking her from the soldier's vision. When the smoke cleared, he was in for quite a surprise. There was Goku, holding Anne in his arms, standing next to a huge metal capsule. "Goku!" cried Anne "You came back... for me!" "

as opposed to coming back for those tiny German Sausages.

"Goku smiled. "Anything for you, my dear." He said. "Our love will never be lost... not-"
wait for it...

"UNTIL THE END OF TIME!"
Alan Moore never once had a character even say the words "Watchmen" throughout the entire comic book and it would've had relevance to the story then.

but Gofer-chan forces the title into the story as much as he can. because it isn't STUPID or CHEESY or anything!

"The Gestapo officer turned tail and ran, but Goku was too quick for him. After laying Anne on the concrete,"
*plop* "oof"

"he dashed towards the Nazi and knocked him to the ground, unconscious, with only one blow. "Nazi scum." Muttered Goku"
so is it ever explained how Goku knows about Nazis?
is it ever explained why Goku can start a relationship with Anne despite the fact that hes already married?

you're reading a fanfiction of Goku and Anne frank, you idiot. don't give it so much credit.

"as he spit on his enemy's limp body, then returned to Anne. "Here, I have something for you." Goku said, as he removed a small bean from his pocket. "What on earth is this?" "

"the guy who sold me it told me it was a magic bean! it better e, i gave up an entire cow for it!"

" "A senzu bean." He said. "Just eat it, and it will cure your leg." Anne followed his instructions and popped the bean into her mouth, as the wound on her calve magically healed."
i give up,

theres no way this story can be good, absolutely NO way this story can redeem itself, no way it ca-

" "Now come on." Commanded Goku. "We've got some Nazi ass to kick." "
...
...
...
THIS STORY JUST GOT AWESOME!

now lets see how long it takes for it ruin itself.

Anne jumped on the mysterious Saiyan's back, as he launched off into the sky.

"After only a few moments, the two of them arrived in Berlin. Tanks were parading down the street, as Adolf Hitler himself stood on a platform overlooking it all."
yeah, 'cause Hitler often went out on the Battlefield and left himself completely exposed to assassins.

okay i know Berlin is a relatively safe place for Hitler to be and probably hasn't been invaded yet, but this story is bad enough to not make excuses for.

" "Stay here." Goku said, dropping Anne in a shaded area under a tree. He then flew straight towards the parade of tanks, fist outstretched, screaming as loud as he could. "

"YOU'LL ALL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BOB CRANE, YOU BASTARDS!"

"The soldiers below scattered in terror,"
"MIEN FUHRER! ITS A REALLY OLD SUPERMAN WITH AN OVER SIZED MACHINE GUN!"

"while the tanks tried to aim their cannons at him. He was too quick and nimble for them, however, and opened the hatch of a nearby Panzer, then headed inside."
*facepalm*

WHY IS GOKU TRYING TO HIJACK A TANK!?

he's an omni-powerful planet destroying Superman! he doesn't a friggin' tank! thats like giving Superman man a gun!

: see: Superman: at Earth's End

what is it about Hitler that always brings out stupidity in the best Superheroes?

"After dispatching of the soldiers in control of the war machine, he took the wheel. He fired round after round into the crowds of Nazi soldiers, occasionally firing at the other tanks."
yeah, 'cause its not like the Nazi's had anyway of destroying tanks!

even when this stupid story gets an action sequence its stupid and banal.

"After only minutes, there was nothing but a cloud of dust and corpses. Goku emerged from the tank's hatch, smiling now that he had done his duty. When all of the dust cleared, there were only two people remaining on the parade ground: Goku, the Saiyan hero, and Adolf Hitler, the most evil man ever to walk the earth."

i smell a Sitcom!

do do do do do do do do
Goku And Hitler
living in the big city together!
Goku and Hitler!
you know they're together for good!

"Anne watched from nearby fearfully as she saw the two men stare at each other for what seemed like hours."
wow, this fanfic is actually accurate to the anime!

" "So," Hitler said jovially "You took out all of my men."
you're telling me the entire Nazi army just decided to stroll around Berlin one day "Just 'cause"?

"However, you aren't going to defeat me." Hitler then jumped down from his platform and down onto the street in front of Goku,"
that should have killed him. just sayin'.

"pulling a chain gun from the ground nearby. Goku quickly jumped behind a ruined tank,"
why? Goku isn't hurt by bullets, sometimes that is established time and time again in the actual anime.

"as Adolf opened fire. The tank made decent cover, but it wasn't long until it would be torn apart by the hail of bullets. Goku had to act."

"by god! if i don't do something quick those bullets will bounce of me and he'll waste ammo! i don't want inconvenience him!"

"He dashed out from the side of the tank, and flew as fast as he could toward Hitler, who had no time to react. He grabbed the chain gun out of his enemy's hands, and snapped it over his knee with ease."
theres his super strength! where did the inability to be hurt by bullets go?

"Hitler stumbled backwards, shocked at the turn of events. Goku smirked, then said "It's come down to this. You and me. Fighting like men. If you admit defeat now, I'll kill you rather painlessly."

KILL YOU RATHER PAINLESSLY?

READ MY LIPS:

GOKU.
DOESN'T.
KILL.

I KNOW THIS FROM WATCHING THE ANIME.

sure, Goku HAS killed people, but he NEVER wants to. he always tries to sway the bad guys to stop being bad guys, even when they've proven themselves to be insane murdering sociopaths.

i'm so pissed off.

"Goku had the definite advantage. Or so it seemed. Hitler burst into a laugh, as Goku looked on quizzically. "
how is Hitler even a threat to Goku, he's a mortal and he's friggin' Japanese super man.

"The mustachioed man slowly rose into the air,"
...WHAT?

why is Hitler flying? what hell is going on?

"as his brown hair and pencil moustache turned a blonde color,"
oh god no.

"and his brown eyes turned blue."
oh god please no.

"Goku reeled in horror."
the only proper reaction.

"Hitler continued laughing, then finally said "Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!" "
apparently Hitler has been playing too much Street Fighter.

"Hitler had become a Super Saiyan."
...w- wh- wha- what? WHAT?

"Hitler had become a Super Saiyan."
...

"Hitler had become a Super Saiyan."

"Hitler had become a Super Saiyan."

"Hitler had become a Super Saiyan."

"HITLER HAD BECOME A SUPER SAIYAN.."
O_o

...
...
...
...why?
why?
why?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHY?

d-do i even need to continue the story from this point? i-i mean SHIT. HITLER JUST WENT SUPER SAIYAN.

thats the most fucked thing in this entire story, and believe me when i say this is a fucked up story.

i should stop, i really need to stop, its the only way i can keep my sanity.

no, i have to press forward, i have to finish this.

alright crappy fanfic, DO YOUR WORST!

"Anne looked on in awe, not sure what was going on. At first, it seemed like her lover would win the battle, but now she was not so sure. Goku now seemed scared of his opponent, and it was for a good reason."

but its not because he's a Super Saiyan. its because he looks a lot like Charlie Chaplin.

"Hitler continued to speak "Goku, can't you see? I've reached a power level 10 TIMES anything you've ever achieved! Your fate is sealed, weakling." "

you know it just occurred to me, if Hitler was 10 times as powerful as Goku why would he shoot himself when the allies invaded? why didn't he just use his superpowers to- oh whatever, i shouldn't try to bring more logic into this.

"Even though the battle seemed unwinnable, Goku charged in, screaming at the top of his lungs. Every blow he struck with was deflected off of Hitler's rock hard body."
...what?

"Hitler's rock hard body"
...

"Hitler's rock hard body"
...

"Hitler's rock hard body"
D:>

forget it, j-just move on.

"Hitler waited for Goku to tire himself out, then raised his fist and punched Goku. And one punch was enough. Goku was knocked across the street into a large propaganda poster of Hitler, thudding to the cold, hard ground. Hitler laughed, thinking that victory was in his hands at last."

Hitler just knocked the fuck out of Goku.

...Hitler just knocked the fuck out of Goku.

HITLER JUST KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT OF GOKU.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY?

"Goku, however, was not ready to give up. Bruised and battered, he rose from the ground, limping in Hitler's direction. The Nazi leader laughed. "You still want to fight? Don't you know when to give up, boy? You can hardly walk. And you expect to beat ME? Conqueror of Europe?" "

didn't Hitler, you know...FAIL to Conquer Europe?

is this some kind of backwards ass alternate dimension?

lets see:

[X] Hitler just turned into a Super Saiyan.
[X] no one thinks its wrong that Goku, father of a FULLY GROWN CHILD is having a romantic relationship with a 15 year girl.
[X] Goku just used a tank despite having a million superpowers, and avoided getting shot despite not being hurt by bullets.
[X] Goku, despite having clear issues with killing people and always trying to get naturally bad people to turn good, just killed look, 10,000 people and had no issues with it what-so-ever
[X] Goku somehow all of a sudden knows about Nazis, Hitler, and knows where Berlin is and how to get there.

yep, its official, THIS STORY IS SET IN A WHACK-JOB ALTERNATE DIMENSION WHERE ANYTHING GOES.

"Goku ignored Adolf's taunts as he continued to stumble his way forward. Finally, the two archrivals were standing face to face."
Goku's known Hitler for about 3 minutes, when did he become his Archrival? isn't that Vegeta's job?

"Goku stared Hitler into the eye, then screamed "This... is for LOVE!" "

AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE,
BUT I WON'T FIST FIGHT HITLER.

"and flew up into the sky, his hair turning blonde, his eyes blue, and an aura of power radiating from him. Hitler looked on in horror at Goku. He had made the ultimate achievement. He had become a Super Ultra Power Saiyan."
a Super Ultra Power Saiyan? are you kidding me?

couldn't you have just said something like SSj5 or say he became a Legendary Super Saiyan?

"Goku made a cup shape with his hands, aiming at Hitler, as he belted out the words "Kame... Hame... HAAAAA!" as a beam of pure energy shot at his enemy, disintegrating the Nazi leader's body."

Goku just blew up Hitler.

Goku just blew up Hitler!

GOKU JUST BLEW UP HITLER!

I MAY NEVER GET A CHANCE TO WRITE THAT AGAIN. GOKU FUCKING BLEW UP HITLER!

"Goku then collapsed to the ground in a heap, exhausted from the fight. Two years later: Anne and Goku had finally reached the date of their wedding. "
so whatever happened to Goku's previous marriage?

"After the battle, Anne and Goku destroyed the time machine and took a boat to Australia."
what about Goku's two kids?

you're never going to explain any of that are you?

"They changed their names and lived new lives, ready to start over. The two young people looked into each others eyes as they kissed, as the reverend pronounced them man and wife."
why isn't a Rabbi marring them? isn't Anne Frank jewish?

"Finally, it seemed, Anne was at peace. And they would always be together,"
one more time everyone, wait for it...

"UNTIL THE END OF TIME!"
hooray! what an epic climax!

everyone is happy!

Anne Frank is happy!
Goku is happy!
i'm happy!
Hitler is-oh wait no he died.

seriously, who thought this thing was a good idea? why are so many damn things unexplained? WHY IS HITLER A SUPER SAIYAN?

this story sucks, it sucks so bad it will haunt me for the rest of my life, for the rest of my afterlife, this story will haunt me,
wait for it...

UNTIL THE END OF TIME!

EDIT:
i just noe realized this, there WASN'T EVER a time machiene, Goku traveled with his own powers! (despite the fact that its stated nowear in the anime that he can do that.)

how can you destroy something that doesn't exist? and no that isn't a Zen moment so shut up.


Comments

why did i even ready this......................waste of 4 minutes of my life

was it really 4 minutes, or did you read it...
wait for it...

UNTIL THE END OF TIME?!

*Google Image search Super Saiyan Hitler*

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU----

ZEE MASTAH RACE CAN TRUN INTZO GIANT MONKEYS WHEN ZE FULL MOON HITS THEM!

"by god! if i don't do something quick those bullets will bounce of me and he'll waste ammo! i don't want inconvenience him!"

That made my day.