00:00
00:00
homor
Self-published independent author, writer and avid enjoyer of stupid, popcorn entertainment. Always happy to help!
"We all have a thousand bad drawings in us, the sooner you get them out the better." - Chuck Jones.

Age 29, Male

Writer

The Shadow Realm

Joined on 11/11/05

Level:
18
Exp Points:
3,268 / 3,600
Exp Rank:
15,033
Vote Power:
5.96 votes
Rank:
Police Officer
Global Rank:
16,506
Blams:
26
Saves:
564
B/P Bonus:
10%
Whistle:
Garbage
Medals:
720

Max Payne the film: don't see it.

Posted by homor - May 7th, 2009


*WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF NERD RAGE.*

okay, i know i'm a bit late to the punch for this, since the movie came out about a year ago. and the DVD has been out for a few months now. but good sweet Thor this is a shitty movie. oh, and i won't stop with the Norse Mythos references. Odin Demands them. plus Max Payne does it to.

to start off, i've never seen this movie, and i never will, and YOU shouldn't either.

"but homor," you feel required to ask "if you haven't seen it, how can you know its bad?"

short answer:
Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne.

he's not a bad actor, but LOOK AT HIM, he's a pretty faced boy band fuck. he's the actor i think of as Max Payne, Max Payne is a gritty, unshaved mean looking guy with a constipated look on his face, Mark Wahlberg is a pretty Backstreet boy character.

long answer:
i read the plot summary on Wikipedia, and this piece of crap is loaded with so many inaccuracies and faults it makes 300 look like a documentary.

the first screw up in the movie is the fact that Max Payne is searching for his Wife's murderer. THAT ISN'T WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS. if you play the game for even 6 minutes you know that random junkies kill his wife and kids, HE ISN'T LOOKING FOR THE MURDERER, HE KNOWS WHO HE IS, AND HE KILLS HIM.

his motivation SHOULD come from the fact that the killer was on Valkyr, a new drug on the streets. this is why he joins the DEA. he wants to put an end to the spread of Valkyr and stop rampaging junkies, THATS what drives him, and thats actually ambiguous and interesting.

OOH BUT NOOOO WE CAN'T HAVE AMBIGUITY AND INTELLIGENT THEMES IN MOVIES, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD, WE HAVE TO DUMB IT DOWN SO THAT IDIOT MOVIE GOERS WILL GET IT EASIER.

another problem i have is he becomes a suspect in the murder Natasha Sax. okay fuck you John Moore. Natasha Sax was a minor character killed by the Mafia, which promoted Mona Sax to help Max Payne in his war against the Mafia. she wasn't the one who introduced Max Payne to Valkyr,or the one who made Max a fugitive.

oh, and by the way: MAX ISN'T A FUGITIVE IN THIS. they COMPLETELY omit the fact that he's on the run from the law, so he's no longer a gritty outlaw with nothing to lose, he's just a normal detective who is just a suspect in some murder that holds little bearing on the plot. ARRRGGGGHHHHHH.

and then theres Jack Lupino. oh god Jack Lupino, look what they did to you. HE'S NOT AN INSANE LOKI WORSHIPING CRAZY GUY. instead he's one of the few people who gets the benefits of Valkyr without the side effects. WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS.
WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS.
HOW CAN THEY BE SO FUCKING STUPID AS TO MISS THE MAIN POINT OF JACK LUPINO??? HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE TAKEN SO MUCH VALKYR HE'S BECOME INSANE AND STARTS WORSHIP CHUTHULU AND TALKING ABOUT GODS AND MONSTERS FROM CONTRADICTING MYTHOS. HE IS NOT JUST SOME GENERIC MOB KING PIN.

and you know BB Hensley? ...no, you don't know BB Hensley. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BB HENSLEY. and you know why? HE ISN'T AN ACTUALLY IMPORTANT CHARACTER.

okay fine, he's the one who framed Max for the murder of his partner and made him a fugitive, BUT THATS OMITTED FROM THIS FILM. so what do they do?

they make BB hensley, a minor character with a whopping TWO LEVELS under his belt the main antagonist of the film.

apparently HE'S the one who murdered Max's wife because she was "getting too close to the truth."

...
....
.....

*inhale*

*exhale*

so umm...you may ask, "what about Nicole Horne? isn't she the main bad guy of the game?"

well Nicole Horne is in the movie, but plays a minor role.

the main antagonist of the actual game.

plays a minor role.

...

i...

i'm...

i'm so...

i'm so PISSED.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL JOHN MOORE?! YOU'RE TELLING ME SOME UNIMPORTANT SHMUCK WHO HAD ONLY HAD TWO LEVELS CAN GET A FULL ROLE AS THE MAIN BAD GUY, BUT THE ACTUAL BAD GUYOF THE GAME ONLY GETS LIKE, A CAMEO AT THE CREDITS?!

oh and get this:

you know the scene at the start of the third chapter of the game where Max is given Valkyr by Nicole Horne to knock him out while they escape? and how that scene is just a crappy setup for those crappy not-at-all-fun dream levels?

instead of getting the drug inserted into him, HE INSERTS IT INTO HIMSELF! why? get this: he does it to stave off the effects of hypothermia when he jumps into an icy river to avoid being shot.

...he takes an illegal drug he doesn't know the side effects of...that he doesn't even understand the normal effects of...thinking that SOMEHOW it'll hold off hypothermia...

oh and guess what, when he takes the drug he sees VALKYRIES. yeah because subtle references to Norse Mythos were just stupid, LETS THROW IN SOME REAL VALKYRIES!!!

and the best part? INSTEAD OF FIGHTING NICHOLE HORNE ON THE ROOF TOP OF THE AESIR CORP. BUILDING, HE FIGHTS BB HENSLEY. INSTEAD OF FIGHTING HIM IN A PARKING LOT LIKE HE SHOULD BE DOING.

so at the end he's surrounded by cops and after the credits he's sitting in a bar reading about Aesir Corp. stocks.

but wait...THEY NEVER HAD AN INNER CIRCLE IN THIS MOVIE, in the game some guy named Woden (he also has one eye, if you don't get it fuck you read a Thor damn book.) saves Max Payne from going to jail at the end and clears his name.

BUT HE'S NOT EVEN IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE. and if you ask me its because the power of Odin forbid one with his namesake to appear in such a shitty movie. thank you fat Norse bastard, NOW IF YOU COULD ONLY STOP THE MOVIE FROM COMING OUT INSTEAD OF SITTING ON YOUR ASS AND WORRYING ABOUT YOUR OWN IMAGE. YOU FAT NORWEGIAN DICK.

AND TELL YOUR FUCKING DEADBEAT SON LOKI TO DROP HIS STUPID "REBELLIOUS" ACT AND GET A FUCKING JOB LIKE THE REST OF THE GODS.

i just cursed out the God of War. thats how pissed this movie makes me.

so that leaves a huge plot hole, HOW THE FUCK DID MAX GET OFF THE HOOK IF THERE WAS NO INNER CIRCLE TO COVER HIS ASS?

oh, and get this is:
at the end of the movie Aesir Corp. gets a new CEO, Nichole Horne. WHAT A PLOT TWIST! I SURE AM EXCITED FOR A SQUEAL.

you know what i think? i think Nichole Horne ISN'T going to be the villain of the squeal, i think at the last minute they found out "oh shit, TIHS person is the real antagonist, shit the fans are gonna be pissed, I KNOW! lets give her a cameo appearance so we don't have to write her in to the actual plot! mindless fanserivce always solves everything!"

by the burning balls of Sutor, what a load of shit.

this movie is a fucking travesty, its an insult to everyone who ever took the time to actually play Max Payne, and to everyone who ever enjoyed it, this is just a generic crime thriller with Norse themes and Character names from Max Payne.

i've never actually seen this movie, i just read a plot summary on Wikipedia, so forgive me for any and all inaccuracies.

still, fuck this film, don't see its squeal in theaters (Loki forbid they ever make one.) don't buy the DVD for the movie, don't even illegally download it, as its giving credit to John Moore that he actually made a movie worth watching.

forget having snake venom poured into his open veins for all eternity, the REAL way the gods should have punished Loki by making him watch this movie over, and over, and over, and over, and over, UNTIL HIS FUCKING NORSE EYEBALLS FELL OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS.

fuck this movie, if you like Max Payne, buy the the damn game.


Comments

*ahem*

Dl;Dr.

oh i'm sorry, was that too long for you?

well why don't you go read A RHINO'S BALLS!?