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Bridge
Captain Murphy is pacing back and forth across the viewport.
Murphy: Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.
The bridge door whooshes open, and Marco enters.
Marco: Hello, Captain.
Murphy: Marco! Hey buddy, you wanna, I don't know, hang out or, play a game?
Marco: I'm a little busy here, sir. Trying to keep a billion dollar research station running smoothly.
Murphy: Ooh, fun! I'll be the mommy.
Marco: ...Beep-beep!
Marco picks up a communicator, as if it just beeped.
What's that? You need the Captain? Right away?
Murphy: What was that?
Marco: Emergency in the tank room! Better get down there, sir!
Murphy: I-I didn't hear anything.
Marco: No time, sir! Hurry! Run!
Murphy: Olé!
Murphy speeds out of the bridge, complete with a gunshot sound.
Marco: Madre mía, what an idiot!
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Tank room
Murphy enters. Stormy, Quinn, and Debbie, in scuba gear, are about to dive.
Murphy: I'm here! I'm here! What's the emergency?
Debbie: Uhh, looks like Marco got you again, sir.
Murphy: Oh, jeez. That mailbox head! Well, um, can I play with you guys?
Quinn: Not now, sir. We're about to go out on patrol.
Murphy: Neato! Hey, I'll make a box lunch.
Stormy: Yeah, you do that.
Stormy slides his mask on. Stormy, Quinn, and Debbie dive into the sea.
Murphy: Umm, oh, I get it. Ditched.
Two orphans, a girl and a boy, are hanging around an exit.
Girl: Life's a ditch!
Murphy: Oh! Hi orphans! Wanna play, or.. or...
Girl: Shag off!
The boy belches loudly.
Murphy: Hmm.
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Hallway
Murphy walks down the hall, singing to the tune of Beethoven's 5th...
Murphy: Ba-ba-ba-bored, ba-ba-ba-bored... ba-ba-ba-bored, ba-ba-ba-bored, ba-ba-ba-bored...
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Bridge
Murphy is hanging around Sparks' console.
Murphy: Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. Bored!!
Sparks: (annoyed) Hey, do ya mind? I'm listening to the radio.
Murphy: But I'm bored! Why aren't you listening to me?
Sparks: Because... I am listening... to the radio.
Murphy: (gasps, inspired) The radio!!
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Control room
Murphy runs up to a crewman at a console.
Murphy: Yo, hey. (whistles) Drone.
Crewman: Uh, yeah, my name is, uh, Ted. From accounting.
Murphy: Well then, you should know how to launch the ten-gigawatt emergency radio beacon.
Ted: Uh, no, not really, sir, I'm... Ted. From accounting -
Murphy: And I've heard great things, Kevin. Now, less lip and more launch!
Ted: Alright, ah, okay.
Ted presses a button on the console, and a radio beacon floats upward past the viewport, cable trailing behind it.
You're the boss.
The beacon continues upward through the ocean, and splashes onto the surface.
The beacon is on the surface, sir. Are we cool, here?
Murphy: Full power! Juice that baby all the way up, Cedric!
Ted: Well, it's in the red now, sir, it's, uh, you know what I'm talk - (He begins laughing) - It's in the red, I'm from accounting...
Murphy bursts out with jubilant laughter, and Ted laughs with him for a while. The laughter dies down.
Murphy: Ah... no. Eh, no, I don't.
Ted frowns.
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Bridge
The beacon is still floating and pinging away on the surface. Murphy is now at Sparks' communications console, which has been outfitted with a big radio-style microphone. A screen displays the words "ON AIR."
Murphy: Ahem. Is this thing on?
He taps the mike. The taps, and Murphy's voice, echo throughout the station as he descends into full-on DJ mode.
Alright, sea monkeys! This is Howlin' Mad Murphy! You can run, but you can't hide, because I am live and worldwide with ten gigawatts of radio waves that won't behave! And you can't ignore me anymore, people!
A howling wolf sound effect plays.
I... will... be... heard!!
A loud rock song starts playing.
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Ocean
The music echoes around the ocean, pretty much disrupting life. A rock crumbles under a diver's feet, sending him tumbling. Three swimming turtles are shaken and tossed around by the vibrations. More rocks crumble, and shower a shark with debris. The shark, agitated, knocks into Sealab's underwater runabout, jostling Quinn and Stormy. The beacon is still on the surface, doing its work.
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Bridge
Pounding music echoes through the station as Marco approaches Murphy at the console.
Marco: Captain Murphy! I -
Murphy: Shh! Coming out! Ahem. (into microphone) Alright, sea monkeys, you're on the prowl with Howlin' Mad Murphy! So, get your fignuts on!
A sound effect comes from the console, a man saying "Fiiignuuuts!!" in a typical cheesy radio-catchphrase way.
(off mic) Hey, jerkface! You don't just barge into the booth when I'm on the air!
Marco: Booth?? Wait a second! Are you using the emergency beacon to run a pirate radio station?
Murphy: Ahh, crap. Listen, fignuts. The tour is either in the commissary by now, or in the Howling Mad gift shop.
Marco: Right. Two things; One, you're suckin' up all the power.
An exterior view of Sealab shows the station's lights dimming out, then coming back on.
And two. The FCC finds out -
Murphy: So, some shriveling bureaucrats make me pay a stupid fine. Big deal.
Marco: I see you're not familiar with their new tactics, which are... unspeakably wicked. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
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FCC Ship
A ship travels the ocean. A caption reads "FCC SEARCH AND DESTROY VESSEL." On the ship's bridge stand a mustachioed Captain, with binoculars, and a younger Officer, who is steering the ship.
Officer: Scanners going off, Captain. We've picked up a pirate radio signal.
Captain: Yeah, lock in on it, son. Here at the FCC, it's our job to eliminate illegal radio stations, and inappropriate language.
Officer: Yeah. Well, uh, thanks a lot for the f(bleep) back story.
Captain: Wha? You watch your f(bleep) mouth, you (bleep-bleep)
Officer: Ooh, how can I put this, uh... f(bleep) you! ...Sir.
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Sealab bridge
The beacon is still going strong, music is playing, and Murphy is still DJ'ing. Sparks sits at another console.
Murphy: Okay, sea monkeys! This is Howlin' Mad Murphy and his zany sidekick Sparkplug! Say hey, Sparkplug! (Pause) You're supposed to say, "Hey, Sparkplug." It's a "bit."
Sparks: (on air) Oh, yeah! Uh, okay.
Pause. A phone rings.
Murphy: You're not gonna do it, are you.
Sparks: No, no, no, Skip, I am, really. Uh... you ready?
Murphy: Yeah.
Longer pause. The phone rings again.
Okay.
The phone rings again. Murphy pushes a button to answer the call.
Go ahead caller, you're on with the zoo patrol.
Murphy presses another button to play a "barnyard animals" sound effect. The caller's voice shows up as a sound wave on a screen.
Caller: Hey, this is Larry, from -
Murphy: Honnnk! Where's Moe and Curly, fignuts?
Murphy hits a whooping monkey sound effect.
Larry: Anyway...
Murphy: Yeah.
Larry: I got a joke for ya, Howlin' Mad.
Murphy: Mm-hmm, okay.
Larry: A priest, a nun -
Murphy: Mm-hmm, sure.
Larry: and a rabbi are -
Murphy: Go to hell.
Murphy cuts off the caller with a flushing toilet sound.
Hey, sea monkeys! Time for a wa-a-acky prank phone call!
Touch-tones dial as Murphy talks to Sparks off-mic.
You seen the ratings, Sparkplug? Number eight, baby! And climbing!
The phone is answered, and Murphy gets back on the mic.
Man: Fire tower number seven! This is Ranger Roger! How may I help you?
The called party is seen to be a forest ranger in an observation tower.
Murphy: Hey, dummy! There's a raging forest fire!
Ranger: What?!
Murphy: All the animals are burning!
Ranger: Oh, my God! The cute squirrels!
The ranger looks out of his tower with binoculars.
Murphy: Ha! Consider yourself "zinged!"
Murphy sets off a number of sound effects, and a recording of a cheesy radio DJ chorus clip.
Chorus: The zing of the daaaaay!
Ranger: Ha ha ha! You got me! Howlin' Mad Murphy, I love you! You know, you're my whole morning!
Murphy: Aw, stop it, I'm getting misty!
More sound effects, involving a honk, a toilet flush, and a howling wolf. Murphy happily lip-synchs along with the howling wolf.
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Montage - Magazine covers
A magazine called "Pirate Radio" shows a photo of Murphy, and the headlines "Howlin' Mad About You!" "Murphy Makes Major Waves For The FCC" and "Back To School: Why College Radio Sucks."
"Varietal" magazine proclaims "'Howlin' Mad' Murphy Tops All Radio Ratings" and, lower, "Knaves Sign Mongo Deal."
"Fime" magazine shows Murphy in a thoughtful pose as their "Man Of The Year: 'Howlin' Mad' Murphy."
"Playgal" shows "Howlin' Mad UNZIPPED!" and a picture of Murphy unzipping his wetsuit.
And finally, "Feds" magazine (special parenting issue) shows a picture of the FCC Captain, with the headline "'I'll kill the @$%&*%!!' - The Hunt For Red Murphy."
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FCC Ship
The ship continues in its quest for Murphy. The Captain scans with his binoculars.
Officer: We're closing in on the signal, sir! And then we'll drop the Hammer, right?
Captain: Huh? Oh, yeah, uh, yeah, uhh.. yeah, we're gonna drop the Hammer. Hey, uhh...
The Captain holds up his "Feds" magazine cover.
Does this make me look fat?
Officer: No... but your ass does! Ha-ha-ha-ha!! Your ass, ha-ha-ha-ha!! Aha.. ahem... I'll go swab the deck.
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Sealab Bridge
The beacon floats overhead as Murphy plays some more sound effects, including the "Fiiignuuuts!!" clip.
Murphy: Hey, congratulations! You're the fifth caller! What's your name?
Caller: My name's Jack.
Murphy: Great! Because that's just what you're getting! Jack! I'm looking for the sixth caller, Jackass!
More sound effects, including a hee-hawing jackass.
Jack: Howlin' Mad Murphy, I love you!
Murphy: You're a bigger suckup than that stupid forest ranger!
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Forest Ranger Tower
The ranger is listening to the show.
Ranger: (awed) He's talking about me!! Oh! Oh... he's...
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Sealab Bridge
Murphy's phone rings again. He answers.
Murphy: This is Howlin' Mad. Go ahead, caller.
The caller is Dolphin Boy, chittering away in his dolphin-speak.
Oh, it's you again, huh Dolphin Boy?
Dolphin Boy squeaks an answer, into a comm panel in Sealab.
Well, cram it, fat stuff!
Dolphin Boy sadly pokes his own belly, and sheds a tear.
People, people, people! Nothin' makes Howlin' Mad more mad than fatties!!
He cuts off Dolphin Boy with a grunting pig sound clip. Marco shows up.
Marco: Captain Murphy, I -
Murphy: Except maybe this guy. Hey sea monkeys, it's that jerkface, Marco!
Murphy hits a button, and a cheering crowd noise plays.
What the... Sparkplug, quit messing up my carts!
Murphy hits another button, this time making a booing crowd noise.
See, you ruin the timing.
Marco: As I was saying -
Murphy interrupts Marco with the monkey noise.
As I was saying -
Elephant sound.
As I was -
Bird squawking.
Before I was interrupted -
Pig grunts. Lots of pig grunts. Marco groans in frustration.
I'm pretty sure -
Kitten meow.
Murphy: Ah ha haaaaa! Alright.
Marco: (sigh) ...the FCC has closed in on your signal. And you -
Murphy: Shut up. It's time for the "I Hate Marco" show!
Murphy starts up a clip of the radio chorus, singing to the tune of the Hallelujah chorus...
Chorus: III hate Marco, hate Marco, hate Marco and his maaail box heeead!
The phone rings, and Murphy answers.
Murphy: Go ahead, caller, tell me why you hate Marco.
Caller: Hi Howlin' Mad.
Murphy: Yes, sir.
Caller: Long time listener, first time caller.
Murphy: Mm-hmm, yeah, mm-hmm..
Caller: The reason I hate Marco is...
Murphy: Yeah?
Caller: ...he's a mailbox head?
Sound effects, including the booing crowd.
Murphy: Oh, yeah, real original. Sit on it, Pottsie.
Murphy hangs up on the caller with a flushing sound. The caller turns out to be Stormy, calling from the runabout with Debbie and Quinn.
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Runabout
Stormy looks ashamed.
Stormy: I can't believe I choked!
Debbie and Quinn have a good laugh at Stormy.
Debbie: Freak.
Quinn: Dumbass.
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Sealab Bridge
Murphy's phone rings again, and he answers.
Murphy: Okay, caller. Why do you hate Marco?
Captain: Attention! Pirate radio station.
Marco: Yes, sir.
Captain: This is an FCC search and destroy vessel..
Murphy: Yeah?
Captain: And you are violating FCC regulations.
Murphy: Mm-hmm?
Captain: This is your last chance to end your (bleep) transmission.
Murphy: Hey, hey! Hey!! I don't know who you ladies are..
Marco looks worried.
..but I run a clean show here! Maybe this will clean your dirty little mouth out, fignuts.
Murphy cuts him off with the flushing sound.
Captain: Oh. Oh, that really (bleep) tears it! (to his officer) Drop the f(bleep-bleep) Hammer!
A bomb is ejected from the ship, which sinks, ticking, down toward Sealab.
Flush that, ya bitch.
Marco: The Hammer?! I knew it!! Once again, your stupidity has killed us!
Murphy: Yeah, I know. Zinged ya!
Murphy sets off some sound effects; a gunshot, the radio chorus..
Chorus: The Ultimate Ziiing!!
..and the howling wolf, which Murphy happily lip-synchs along to as the Hammer comes down on Sealab.
Marco: Aww, sh-
The bomb hits, and Sealab explodes.
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FCC Ship
The bridge of the FCC ship is seen in the corner of the screen as the closing credits roll.
Captain: What, wait a sec. Where was I?
Officer: Uhh, I think you were (bleep)ing an orangutan.
Captain: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's legal in Tijuana. Anyway, then that broad (bleeeep) while I (bleeeep) with its own (bleeeep) and then we (bleeeep)
Officer: That's, uh, one messed up (bleep).
Captain: You watch your (bleep) mouth! That's my wife you're talkin' about!
Officer: Wait! Mom was a (bleep)?
Captain: Aye. And I wouldn't trade her for a (bleeeep). Or you either, m'boy. You may be the son of a f(bleeeep), but by God, you're my own flesh and blood.
Officer: (bleeeep)(bleep) (bleep)