my immortal has 2 big problems:

1- the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

2- it goes on for a very long time.

while these first few chapters i'm reviewing are bad, it gets REALLY bad arouund chapter 13, when the author and her friend "bloodytears666" get into a fight (something about a sweater and some kind of poster of that sissy Gerad Way) and she no longer helps her with her spelling. they make up but by chapter 16 our Author decides she no longer needs help and wants to finish the story herself.

even without the awful spelling this story s still really bad.

of course i'm not going to review those chapters, really, I've only been building up this one. maybe i'll do the rest later but THIS is the one I've been waiting to do.

THE SEX ONE!

so, we've already confirmed that our Author cannot write charecter interaction or devolpment, cannot write build tension past over using elipsies, annd cnnot write plot devolpment. so lets see if see can write something that can spark a boner in a 15 year old boy!

as always, we start with the Author's notes:

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

...I've got nothing. i think this pretty much just speaks for itself.

lets move on to the rest of the story now, before i lose my fucking mind.

last we left off, Draco and Mary Sue were going home from a concert and they were off to the FORBIDDEN Forest.
"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"
"didn't you read the sign? it says the FORBIDDEN Forest! they even put FORBIDDEN in capital letters!"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
i still have issues with the flying car, i mean, was that even IN Harry Potter? that sounds more like something you would find in Back to the Future.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)
wow, between these lame contacts, the black nailpolish, and the...*giggle* eyeliner...*giggle* i am completely convinced that Draco is totally lame.

which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.
and now we notice one of MANY major problems with this story:

maudlin.

characters are often said to be "deppressed" and "sorrowful" with NO PROPER REASONING.

this is even more stupid when you realise that they live in a world of magic, Vampires, and flying cars.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE DEPPRESSED ABOUT? why, after nothing of any real deppressing value happens, you all of the sudden with no proper warning become moody and "deep" ITS FUCKING STUPID.

oh, everything is pain? you sometimes feel depressed for no reason? ITS CALLED LIFE YOU LOSERS, GET OVER IT, WAIT IT OUT, AND THAN SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. and your life doesn't even suck, you people have a GREAT life. WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT?

And then...............
you know what? if you can't use elipsies properly, DON'T FUCKING USE THEM AT ALL.

adding a bunch of dots in certain places doesn't add to the tension, it just makes everything STUPID.

suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.
wow, good thing you just SAID it was passionate, god forbid you actually WRITE passion.

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.
OH HELL YEAH! HERE COMES THE SEX!

quick, Rick James, GET UP ON IT!

.
/* */
AWW YEEEAAAAAAHHHH

LETS GET READY TO GET. IT. ON.

He took of my top and I took of his clothes.
not a lot of detail there, BUT WHO CARES, SEX IS SEX. AWWWW YEEEEAAAHHH BOOOOYYY.

I even took of my bra.
well thats a bit stingy, he takes off all his clothes and you haven't even taken your bra off yet.

BUT WHATEVER! SEX! WOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
--okay, wait just a minute. turn off the fucking music.

"put his thinge in my you-know-what"?

what. the. FUCK?

did the Waterboy write this hunk of shit? "put his thinge in my you-know-what"?

if you're so meak that you can't use the proper names for sex organs. DON'T FUCKING WRITE A SEX SCENE, DUMBASS.

i'd get more sexual stimulation from a Tim and Eric sketch then i would from this writing.

not to mention the explict lack of detail makes me SURE that this Author never had sex, so she has no idea what its like, therfore, i can achive no arousal from it because its not really sex.

IF YOU'RE A VIRGIN YOU CAN'T WRITE A SEX SCENE. just say something like "the lights went out, and they embraced" or something, that way its left up to my imagination. that way it CAN arouse me.

good job "My Immortal" you've RUINED SEX. i didn't even know that was possible, YOU'VE RUINED SEX.

someone put on some more fitting music.

.
/* */
there, now we're setting the REAL mood.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then....

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

wow, looks like i have someone in this story i can relate to in this story. who could it be?

It was...................................
..........................Dumbledore!

Dumbledore?

Dumbledore is laying down the line?

...

FUCK YEAH! DUMBLEDORE IS LAYING DOWN THE FUCKING LINE.

bitches were all like "aw yeaaahhhh we havin' sex aw yeaaahhhhh!"

and Dumbledore came in and was all like "BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU DOIN'? DO I NEED TO BE PUTTIN' A HURTIN' ON 'YO BITCH ASSES?"

and than he bitched slapped 'em both!

a lot of fans were up in arms about Dumbledore swearing, the Author's response?

"Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!"

wow, Dumbledore has a headache too? he really IS the most relatable character in this fanfiction!

seriously, in this entire stupid, moronic, poorly written story the only awesome character is Dubledore, and MAN IS HE AWESOME! and his awesomeness is unintentional, which only makes him more awesome because he's detached from this awful writing.

in fact, after reading this fanfic, i'm convinced Dumbledore is the BEST Harry Potter character, even if he is gay.

when Snape tried to kill Dumbledore he should of been all like "BITCH, THE FUCK YOU DOIN'?" and slapped the wand out of Snape's hand.

oh, and than he should have proceeded to smack him around a bit and throw him out a window.

now THAT would have been worth reading.

and so not that we've finished Chapter 4, i feel its time to review other fanfics, and do other things with my blog.

i just wanted to review the chapter that had this story's dehorning moment of suck (the poorly written sex scene) and its crowning moment of awesome (DUMBLEDORE) at the same time.

with that i leave you with this:

http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapt ers122.htm

the Official home of My Immortal. because nowhere else would give it a home.

read the story for yourself, see JUST how bad it is.