-jerry seinfeld-
you know what i've been wondering?
whats the deal with SONIC?
i was playing this game yesterday and i was thinking, "WHY do they call him SONIC? i mean its not like you can't hear him or anything!"
*audience laughs*
and whats the deal with his name? SONIC? you're calling him sonic just because he can run fast? WHATS UP WITH THAT?
*audience laughs*
thats like calling mario "jump-man" just because he can jump! what is the deal?
*appluase*
-dane cook-
so i was playing GTA an-
*audience cheers louder than a superbowl crowd*
and i jacked one of the ambulance cars, and then when i got in it, i turned the siren on and turned the tv up really loud, so it made a really
annoying sound like WEEEEEEEEWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOWWWWEEEEEEEEE EEEWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEEWWWWWOOOOOOOO OWWEEEEEEEWWOOOOOOO!
*audience beings to laugh uncontrolably*
and my wife man, my wfie got really mad, i mean REALLY mad, like soul-shattering super-angry demon MAD, and she shouted "DANE TURN THAT DOWN OR WE ARE NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN!"
and i was all like-
*dane drops onto the ground and begins to fail his arms*
"NOOOO! NOO! TURN DOWN! TURN DOWN YOU STUPID TV! OH MY GOD!"
*audience luaghs hard enoguh to raddle the stage*
*dane gets back up*
and then, after, and i mean like THE FUCKING VERY SECOND AFTER i had caught my breath, i looked up at the tv and it said "press R3 to start ambulance mission"
and i was stunned, i was all like "theres a type of mission in this game where, instead of just killing and hurting people, i can help people and svae their lives? ...cause i was happy just killing hookers!"
*audience luaghs loud enough to be heard in france*
so i decided to play it, and i drove thru the city trying to get to this one dying guy, and a worked really hard to find a balance between fast and careful, and i drove very carefully, making sure to hit any cars or run anyone over, and i finally get to the guy.
and the guys limping to me, his arm is broken and looks like hes been hit by a fuckin' train.
then, once he gets close enough to almost get, i back the car up really fast so he had to walk even more, like an asshole right?
*audience laughs*
and then i fucking speed and run him over and shout 500 POINTS MOTHER FUCKER!"
*audience laughs so hard that the stage lights fall off the roof.*
and i failed the mission and that just made me think "how would your boss feel if you did that in real life?"
and i could just see it now, the driver is sitting at his boss's desk, and his boss is going crazy! hes kicking shit over hes throwing shit at the wall and hes shouting "YOU FUCKING BITCH!"
*audience causes earthquack by laughing*
"YOU FUCKING RAN SOMeBODY OVER WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"
*audience bursts out in riot while laughing*
"I'M GOING TO FUCKING RAPE YOU YOU PIACE OF SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT"
*audience explodes*
-geogre leopez-
what would mario be like if he was a mexican?
would he collect oranges instead of coins?
because sasque lets face it, hes not getting any coins, cause if he even asks for them hes getting deported.
*audienece laughs*
-carlos mencia-
what would mario be like if he was a beaner?
would he collect oranges instead of coins?
because lets face it, hes not getting any coins, cause if he even asks for them hes getting dePORT-ED!
*audienece laughs*
----
what you have just read is top secret.
these were all rejected snipets of stand up acts by several famous comedians.
when the comedians were presented these jokes by their writers, they were told by said comedians, all of whom called the jokes "too nerdy" a
nd said "The only people who would laugh at this shit are fucking idiots on a website who only laugh because they've played this games"
except carlos mecncia, who stole the joke from geogre lopez and was unable to use it due to being heckeled by that one guy.